Their Trying To Impress Themselves

what i write may not make any sense but i really dont care i just want to let it all out its really pointless seeing as those who have hurt me will never see this but arghh i cant explain it writing this down helps me get my feelings out and helps me structure my thoughts so i know who to love hate pity n jst scream at

lets start with
Nina- i just really cant explain you, i mean your unexplainable we have been through so much SO much and now this..?? how the hell can u just decide that the whole of what we had was a mistake, a lie you'd been telling not only me but yourself what kind of logic is that the thing is i no your lying you did you DO love me i know what this is about because i understand your situation but really we can get through this i knw this sounds shit corny but Neen this is true, it actually HURTS like i cant breathe its like yeah i am crying right about now but then you would no u always said i was emotional, you used to laugh, we could still do that..Nina please..arhh nina u no what your doing to me but still your going off with..its so hypercritical but Nina your not like that, you know your not

Joe-fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck you your a stupid fucking fuck hole that should be fucking dead argghhh jjoe your arghh "im an actor, thats what we do".?! wtf who the fuck says that?? is this an episode of eastenders you stupid fucking bastard!! arghh joe your a waste of space as childish and silly as that may sound i really dont give a shit because thats what you are, im sorry that you see being bi as only a turn on

Emma- wtf you think just becaus eme and Nina are fighting you can slide in i mean what is this?! just because im bi does NOT mean im automatically hooking up with a lesbian you shitfaced cow ok so im not the fittest girl up here but im not some pity pole for everyone to come and jump on

Robbie-  im soooooo sorryy i really am if your still keeping tabs on rubys ridiculous life i just want to apologise because i no how bad mum and dad are being and im sooo sorry im putting you in this position but please dont say anything nw just a little while longer, i'l be home soon

Ruby yes me ruby you need to get some back bone and tell the fucking assholes there assholes tell the bitches their bitches and tell the people you love you love if they dont listen tell them again and again
stop crying stop drinking no more of THAT and keep away from THEM
start walking to your own drum beat again roo you never used to be this weak

A/N Yes this is stupid and pointless, but i feel like being stupid and pointless, ok?

I ask because I'm really not sure how I feel now a days, my answer to everything is literaly 'I Dont Know'.
The thing is before, I used to be deliberately difficult and answer in a monosylabic manner, however now when people ask me a simple question I really am speechless, all that comes to mind is 'I Dont Know'.
It could be because my dad has decided to reintroduce himself to my family and is acting as if my sister hadnt died commited suicide.. Its quite sad really and depressing because we are all trying to accept it and move on but he is only bringing us back to where we were before, the thing is we i feel to shake him real hard and make him face up to the truth but i'm scared to because as depressing as it is having him here, it also feels so good, he now helps my mum in ways i could never have (i really dont want to think about it ...eww), its like the puzzle my family is, is slowly getting put back together, however we'd still be missing the final piece...
I feel so...lost??..I cant explain it.
Sometimes i feel as if I'm watching myself as opposed to being myself...I dont even know who I am anymore because whenever i try and get back to being me i feel as if i'm copying my sister but i feel like a crap copy as if i'm a disapoint ment to her, myself, everyone..
Now a days i dont eat, i cant eat. My belly would be screaming at me but when i look at food i feel...i'm not sure..repulsion.. i really hope this is a phase because i do not want to risk putting more strain on my family, it'll make them hate me even more..
I feel so pathetic and useless
Ugly and undeserving..
I'm sorry..
I'm not sure what for but i'm sorry none the less...
I feel as if i've done something wrong but i'm not sure what it is but i know its something real bad... I know i'm need to be punished and i've tried punishing myself but... i always get too scared...
The thing is i know that the longer i leave it the worst the punishment iis going to be..
This is all alot of babbling but it really helps to clear my head...
Does anyone know what I'm talking about..?